My Daily Stream of Consciousness

Published at 13 September 2017 11:24 AM EDT in 'General'

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38 is a point in time like any other.

It is a second and a minute, but not an hour.
It is a day, but not a month, and yet it is a year.
It is a time that is not a start, nor is it an end.
It is closer to the middle, than it is to the beginning …
… but hopefully closer to the beginning then the end.

It is a moment in time like any other …
… yet still it is a moment to stop and reflect.

At 38 …

I have kissed my husband goodbye at my front door and then the front of the church.
Kissed him goodbye as we headed in different directions to school.
Held a baby in my arms as he kissed us both goodbye on his way to work.
Walked our two children to school with him and kissed them goodbye at the bell,
and then goodbye to him as he walked to work.

Now, in my pyjamas if I choose, I kiss him goodbye at the door as he bikes to work,
and then I kiss the children goodbye at the door as they walk to school, no longer needing me to take them.

(Still not sure I am happy about that one, but the pyjamas, a hot cup of coffee, and few quiet minutes to read before the day are a nice perk.)

At 38 …

I have gone from hot chocolate to cappuccinos,
from coffee with milk and sugar to straight black (The only way it should be consumed).
I have gone from maxwell house (I know I cringe writing this)
to shade grown organic beans ground immediately before brewing.
I have gone from coffee at breakfast,
to any damn time I feel like it,
to not so close to bedtime as it will keep me up all night (okay I mostly just stay awake).

At 38 …

I have carried 5 babies, but was only able to hold two.
The two I got were more than I ever could have believed possible.
They make me laugh everyday.
Sometimes with them, sometimes at them, but they light up my world in a way that I never expected.

I have cursed myself for raising them to be independent everytime I try to get them to do something,
and for teaching them to question why.
Then smiled as I watch them succeed thanks to these traits.

I still feel much younger then I am,
but no longer wake up surprised that someone calls me mom.

At 38 …

I have fallen in love with the same man many times in many different ways.
Standing on a giant escalator with his arm around me,
Sitting on a grassy hill staring at the stars,
Walking down an aisle in white,
Lying in a hospital bed with him holding the baby beside me,
Reading a text that meant more to me then I think he will ever know …

I still don’t know what mystical forces brought us together, but I count my lucky stars everyday.

At 38 …

I feel secure and happy with who I am, well most days (okay many days),
and have the intelligence to realize that when it comes to life I hit the jackpot …
… and I seem to keep hitting it over and over again.