My Daily Stream of Consciousness

... but not daily or necessarily true


Published at 25 January 2017 11:26 AM EST in 'General'

I should start by saying I deal with anxiety and periodic bouts of depression. Given that I also have a chronic illness, Lupus, it isn't really surprising, but I tend not to talk about it with anyone other then my husband and doctors.

I wrote this stream of consciousness several months ago. Re-reading it immediately after I wrote it I realized that something was wrong. At the time I was on a drug that when I was younger had caused me to become depressed. Having taken the drug for several times since, for very short periods of time, I thought little about it when I took it this time. The dosage, however, was higher and the period I took it longer. This stream of consciousness saved me from myself, it made me realize that the depression had returned. Once I realized what was going on it was much easier to deal with. Not only was I now aware that my brain was telling me lies, I could also talk to my husband about it which made everything better. I was also lucky as I knew it would likely end when the prescription ended.

I decided to publish this, my stream of thought, as it is a very true and honest look at where I was in that moment. Depression is a sneaky, lying bastard and talking about it takes some of it's power away.

Can’t can’t can’t can’tcan’tcan’tcan’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t

I just can’t

I can’t sit still
I can’t clean
I can’t art
I can’t write - damn you Starbucks and your lack of open tables not in the middle of the room
I can’t be happy
I can’t be productive
I can’t breath

I just can’t


But then my father always said there is no such thing as can’t. There is only I don’t want to or I don’t know how. So which is it? Am I stalled by my inability to know what to do you, or because I just don’t want to try.

If I am honest it is a little bit of both. Trying is hard. It takes focus, hard focus, on one thing. And there are just too many things to focus on. So maybe it isn’t that I don’t want to, and more that I don’t know how. Which thing to focus on, how to do them all, how to make it better? It feels like it can’t get better.

When did that happen. When did I stop feeling like I could function as a human being. It feels like I am just an entity floating on the outside. I make the food, I clean the clothes, I drive the car, and I float. I feel invisible and alone.

I am fighting so hard not to give in and go back to bed. But honestly, is sitting in a cafe alone all that much different then curling up in my bed. Sure I am less likely to let the tears fall in the cafe, but I am still alone, isolated. In a crowd of people I am isolated and alone. And I did it to myself.

I just can’t

Comments (Add Comment)

Shauna writes:

Published at 27 January 2017 9:12 AM EST

I take an antidepressant and there were times that I was lax about taking it. I can go a few days before the can'ts crowd in along with the overwhelmingly negative feelings of how everything is shit.

There was a time when I wondered if the meds really did anything. Then I recognized the shitty feeling I had once I missed a few days in a row. Like you realizing that your can'ts would likely get better once you went off that particular med, it was a very important realization for me. I've been very good about taking them now. I've been able to lower my dose but won't go off them if I don't have to.

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Christine Morton -

A mother, a daughter, a magic bean grower,
a hoper, a lover, a dandelion blower.
A dreamer, a wisher, a photograph maker,
a writer, a hoper, a lesser road taker.

© 2016 Christine Morton Redhead Snaps